Furusato

Furusato alias kampung halaman.

Saya sendiri ga tahu dimana kampung halaman saya, wong definisinya sendiri buat saya mblawur. Menurut KBBI, Kampung Halaman artinya daerah atau desa tempat dilahirkan.

Saya dilahirkan di sebuah rumah sakit di Brebes, seminggu setelahnya saya diboyong orang tua saya ke Jakarta dan karenanya saya dibuatkan akta lahir di Jakarta. Setahun setelahnya kami sekeluarga pindah ke Palembang, beberapa tahun kemudian pindah ke Jakarta lagi, lalu Bekasi dimana saya menghabiskan 10 tahun tinggal di rumah orang tua saya sekarang. Tahun 1999 kami sekeluarga tinggal di Jogjakarta selama setahun, dimana keluarga saya kembali ke Bekasi setelahnya sementara saya melanjutkan tinggal di Solo selama 3 tahun.

Jadi, yang mana kampung halaman saya? Kalau mengacu pada KBBI, mungkin Brebes. Atau kalau mau berdalih menggunakan definisi kampung halaman sebagai daerah tempat kita dibesarkan selama masa kanak-kanak, mungkin Bekasi jawabannya.

Tapi entah kenapa, saya ndak pernah merasa ada ikatan perasaan dengan kota Bekasi. Malah, hari ini saya merasa kangen sekali dengan kota Jogjakarta.

Salah ndak ya kalau saya menganggap Jogjakarta sebagai kampung halaman saya? Soalnya walaupun saya cuma tinggal selama setahun disana, satu tahun itu meninggalkan kesan yang sangat mendalam untuk saya. Dan selalu ada rasa rindu pada Jogjakarta terselip di sudut hati saya.

Jadi waktu bulan madu dadakan tiga bulan lalu saya dikasih kesempatan untuk sowan ke Jogja walau cuma mampir di Malioboro, saya senang bukan main. Apalagi paginya dalam perjalanan menuju bandara, supirnya berbaik hati nganter saya dan suami lewat SD saya dulu di Jalan Kapas. Seneeeng banget!

Banyak yang berubah dari Jogja, terutama sejak gempa tahun 2006 ya, banyak gedung yang rusak dan kemudian dibangun kembali. Tapi banyak juga yang belum berubah, jalannya masih sempit, motornya masih banyak (kayanya dibandingkan 13 tahun lalu ya makin banyak), sekarang ada transjogja, kalau siang puanas banget (kayanya 13 tahun lalu ga segitunya), walaupun saya belom puas muterin jogja dan nostalgia, setidaknya ada hal-hal dari 13 tahun lalu yang masih bisa saya temukan di jalan. Dan itu bikin hati terasa hangat.

Sampai-sampai pernah terpikir oleh saya, kalau nanti saya pulang dan tinggal di Indonesia, mungkin saya milih tinggal di Jogja saja. Tentu banyak hal sudah dan akan berubah, tapi saya ga pernah punya ikatan emosional sekuat saya punya dengan Jogja. It`s just not the place that you can leave and forget.

Tempat tinggal saya tiga tahun terakhir ini daerah yang bisa dibilang kampung, terutama waktu tinggal di Urasa, kanan kiri isinya gunung dan sawah. Mungkin kalau dibayangkan, furusato harusnya yang kayak begini. Tapi kalau kaya saya yang masa kecilnya dihabiskan di daerah perkotaan, perasaan tentang kampung halaman mau ga mau ya penuh dengan hiruk pikuk kota. Mungkin itu sebabnya secara tidak sadar saya memilih Jogjakarta sebagai kampung halaman saya, setidaknya Jogjakarta 13 tahun lalu (juga daerah tempat saya tinggal dulu di Jogja), masih relatif lebih `kampung` ketimbang kota Bekasi. Setidaknya walaupun waktu itu udah kenal mol malioboro, saya masih menikmati juga main di ladang kacang sambil berburu ciplukan dan burung emprit.

Saya ga bisa membayangkan apa rasanya jadi anak yang lahir dan besar di kota, kalau ditanya soal kampung halaman, kira-kira akan menjawab apa, ya? Mungkin seperti adik perempuan saya yang tidak pernah pindah dari Bekasi, kalau ditanya soal kampung halaman yang ada dalam pikirannya mungkin kampung tempat nenek-kakek saya. Memori yang tersimpan ya paling ketika lebaran dan kumpul keluarga saja. Sedih juga.

Jadi terpikir juga sih, kalau punya anak nanti, apa lebih baik saya masih tinggal di Kariya atau daerah suburb di Jepang ya, setidaknya sampai si anak bisa mengingat memori masa kecilnya. Setidaknya anak saya nanti ga mesti kebingungan kalau ditanya soal kampung halaman-nya, toh Kariya masih lebih kampung daripada Jakarta.

Yah, hidup di usia 20`s -50`s mungkin memang lebih enak di kota besar, tapi masa kecil dan masa tua kayanya lebih nyaman di pedesaan, ya. Masa kecil untuk kenangan, masa tua untuk ketenangan.

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Dream

I saw a long-lost friend in my dream last night.
It’s been a long time since I had a dream about him, maybe even longer time since we actually talked to each other honestly. In that dream, we were laying in a bed, fully clothed.
It was very quiet. None of us said anything though both of us wanted to say many as well as hear many from each other.
But we were just laying there, busy processing ideas into words, trying to find the right words to begin the conversation.

I could hear him clearing his throat. I turned to him, and saw his face. That face, that funny-looking-awkward-yet-kind face, a face that used to be familiar. That face, how long has it been, huh?

He stared at me, confused. He seemed to know what to say, but he was unsure if it is okay to say it.

Somehow, I know what he was going to say. And strangely, I have been wanting to hear it. I have been waiting to hear it. I want him to say it, please say it, say it, say it!

“I love you,” he finally said it.
I could hear a mixture of relief and nervousness in his trembled voice.
I blinked, twice. Did he just say ‘it’? Did he just tell me that he loves me? So it is true then, so it did matter to him?

As if waiting for a reply, he looked deeply into my eyes and leaning closer to me. His face was so close to mine, I could feel his warm breathe in my cheeks; he was going to kiss me. But he has never done that before! Where did he get such courage?
Surprised, confused and overwhelmed by sudden intense ambience, I stopped him.
Before I could sort out my feeling, I gave him my reply:
“No, you don’t” said I, “You don’t love me. And I don’t too..”
A sigh.
I don’t know it was his or mine.
I looked away, avoided his eyes,
“..not anymore”.

From that moment it was fuzzy. I could only remember that I was feeling so sad afterward.
I don’t know why I said what I said. If those three words were ones I have been waiting to hear then why I said no?

I woke up with such melancholic feeling. Why would I feel that sad if I was the one who turned him down?

I guess it is true what they said about how love ruined friendship. It ruined mine. I guess I am sad because even if I said yes, deeply inside we both know that is not what we wanted. Either way, friendship is ruined.

Even in the dream I had a reality.

Self-role’s Importance

Sometimes when I am looking back to the past and remember the time I have spent in my undergrad, work place, months of internship programs, and grad school, I feel lonely. This is not about people, it’s loneliness about self achievement.
Though I wasnt the brightest student or employee of the month, I feel content of how I spent my time; I interned during summer break, I had a job before going to grad school, I joined university’s organization community, I had a part time job during my undergrad, I was a TA in grad school, I know better not to waste my time.

So now that my status is a full time housewife, sometimes it feels so lonely staying at home. My husband is greatly supporting me to get a part time job and i am also working on to get one now, but until then, I know the longing for self-importance will likely to persist.
During those times, I usually feel insecure and vulnerable. I am not saying that being a housewife is not important, in fact I think it is a very critical role in family. I guess the problem is me. I was raised by a father who was actively participated in literally everything and had brainstorm session on his own head every 5 mins. He always tried to make me to be an active person too, go out and do something, experience the world, achieve something. He even gave me an option to get married when I am 27, an age he thinks is appropriate for a person to settle down after knowing enough about the world. The one who always explained to me the role of being a wife is my mother. That wife has certain responsibilities and duties (in the eye of religion, at the very least) and that doing those duties are deemed to be as important as climbing a career ladder. She didnt say that being a housewife is better, but i believe she wanted me to know that having a great career should not be an excuse for a woman to be a bad wife and mother.
It’s easier to say than done, of course. Especially when you always have a dream of working in a cool company and be a tough-professional working mom all your life. Staying at home and doing house chores everyday sucks.
But marriage could really change a person, you know. What seemed boring and sucks back then is actually not that bad. Yes it gets boring sometimes, and yes I might not doing something big like closing the deal with big client or making presentation in front of important people, but staying home and takecare of your family isnt all worthless.
Especially when I look up and see my husband smiling while eating foods I made or cakes I baked, hearing him feeling amazed by how much I have changed the apartment into better living environment, or seeing him sleeping peacefully next to me. I feel content. I feel important.

Of course I am still looking for a job right now to feel productive and to keep me from boredom. But I guess I realized now that I have to be more open-minded toward myself about the way to achieve my self-actualization. All this time I thought it could only be achieved by having great achievement in some fancy-successful-glorious-intellectual-humanitarian way, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it could be as simple as being a good wife and mother who loves and being loved by her family members. Maybe.
In any case, I am working on it. 🙂