That you never heard anyone ever tell you they love you, doesnt mean that they actually dont.
That you think you didnt do a good job, probably you are wrong.
That you feel you are worthless, useless, ordinary human being and nobody cares if you live or dead, you could have been exaggerating.

Because who knows, that in this world there are people who actually love you so much and almost telling you that, but for some reason they didnt. But that doesnt mean they love you less, does it?

And who knows that boss of yours and colleagues at works actually have great respect in you. They just almost never have time to mention it to you. Doesnt mean you screwed up at work.

Who knows that in this planet, you mean the world to someone, you are their treasures that they wont trade with anything. But they just almost never have time to show that affection to you. But that doesnt mean it’s less true, right?

You know very little of people’s minds and life. What is not said or heard, what is stop at “almost said, or almost done”, doesnt mean they entirely do not exist.
They are there, you just cant see it,


Final Fantasy

I just need to write this down since I dont have anybody to talk to about this. Even my BF probably didnt get me now. My bad for shoving this topic at his throat after a tiring day for him, but I really need to get these thoughts out.

First of all, do you believe in love that Beauty and the Beast have for each other? Do you believe that a person can actually genuinely love someone despite of their status, age, educational background, etc?

To make it clear, I will give you an example. Recently, my friend wrote something on facebook, posing a question about selecting between two girls. The first one is with diploma degree and the second one is with bachelor degree. Assuming that educational background does not affecting the “chemistry” when they engage in discussion with us, I therefore answered that the degree does not really matter. In short, I do believe in love between Beauty and the Beast. Love that sees beyond status, educational background, age, etc. Yes, you heard me right and clear, I do believe it does exist.

Now, what makes me think so?
Because I think I may be in it now.
No, it is not beauty and the beast literally, as a matter of fact it comes with different case, but I kinda think that I could understand how somebody can actually disregard things like status, educational background, and trade them for something much more important; comfort.
Comfort does not itself mean love, but love without comfort surely is irritating.

I have been with my current BF for a year and half now and I have to say that despite of our many differences, I sincerely think that the comfort I got everytime I am around him will always win me over. Sometimes, I even forget that we are actually different at all. The skeptical me who used to think that it is very naive (and cheesy!) to think that someone can put ‘love’, comfort, or whatever it is called, above other factors, and that someone can actually answered “Why I want to be with him is because I love him, and that is all”, has started to doubt that love may not be that complicated afterall.
And to be honest,
it scares the hell out of me.

I mean, was the love, feeling, whatever it is, is actually real?
Or was it just a fantasy?
Was it just me wearing a pink glasses?
Does such “true” love actually exist?

The deeper my feeling for someone, the scarier it gets.
And I have never been this scared before in my life.

I dont exactly know what the meaning of love is,
But if it is the comfortable and secure feeling you have whenever you are around him,
the feeling that makes you believe anything will be fine as long as you have each other,
kind of feeling that makes you think it does not matter how he looks, or what degrees he has, or how rich he is, because deeply inside you always know that he cares about you more than any guy could do. Even though he barely say sweet things, but you just knew that you can rely on him. And that is what really matters.
If those feelings are love,
then yes,
I am madly in love.

And hell, it’s scary.


Some people know me for my sarcasm. Well, who doesn’t like sarcasm? except for the victimssarcasm helps you reduce stress and set your mood in balance. At least that is what I feel about it.
But not everyone appreciates sarcasm. While it can be funny, it can also hurt some people’s heart and ruins some fragile relationships if you went overboard.
Take an example of my relationship. Me and my boyfriend are a sarcastic couple who at times can be cruelly sarcastic in viewing the world. At a glance, it seems interesting. But actually, it is too dangerous. You see, during the fight, sometimes it is hard not to slash your opponent with your words. With sarcastic person, the difficulty is almost unable to resist. Once the trigger pulls off and kaboom! Things can get VERY ugly.
So the best way is too keep it as low as possible whenever I am with my boyfriend; we did not throw sarcastic comments to each other even though it is just a joke. Because relationship is too deeply rooted in emotional feeling that can make me 100times more sensitive. Do you think why girls will take seriously a comment like “the dress makes you look fat” from their boyfriends? Because telling joke can be risky and if you dont do it right, your relationship is at stake.
I am not saying that it is forever. Well, once a couple can draw the line between joke and not-to-be-laughed about area, I am sure things will work smoother.
But before then, keep your sharp tongue to yourself!


Until earlier this year, like other mainstream people do, I had a wish of getting married on 12/12/12.
As summer approaches, I know that it would be impossible to come true. And it really doesn’t come true.
Two days ago, we got into a cold war, where I got so mad that I prefer not to talk to you as I know we are such hot-headed when it comes to arguing.
Last night before I went to sleep, I was thinking to call you and talk it through. But I am too tired to explain things and to make reconciliation, so maybe tomorrow we will have a long talk, I thought. I had to gamble because there is a possibility that tomorrow may never exist and I’ll die with a regret to not even be able to tell you my feelings.
Today I am supposed to take a bus bound to Tokyo at 11.40am. But just now, the bus company just called me to cancel my trip because all bus trips will be canceled today due to heavy snow.
Ah, so much for doomsday.
Honestly, I just want to see you.
If today really is the doomsday as prophecy said, and the world really is ending today,
Maybe I may not dying in my wedding dress, surrounded by people I loved,
But at the very least, I’ve got the chance to see you for the last time even just for very short time.
Wait for me there, dear.
I’ll come before today is over.

Magang di Jepang

Hal-hal yang saya temukan selama saya magang di Tokyo, Jepang:

1. Otsukaresama Desu!

Pertama kali denger kalimat sapaan ini dari dorama dan anime-anime yang saya tonton sebelum ke Jepang. Biasanya diucapkan setiap mau pulang kerja. Tapi ternyata saya kecele juga waktu beneran ngerasain kerja di Tokyo karena “otsukaresama desu” tidak seperti di dalam bayangan saya.

Dua hari pertama saya bingung bukan main, kenapa setiap saya berpas-pasan ketemu orang di toilet, di hallway, di lift, semua orang tiba-tiba bilang “otsukaresama desu” sambil mengangguk? Memangnya sudah jam pulang, ya? Atau saya udah disuruh pulang?

Tadinya saya pikir saya diusir alias disuruh pulang karena kerjaan saya sudah selesai (huu maunya), tapi pas saya lihat ternyata semua karyawan begitu terhadap sesamanya. Saya tanya pacar saya yang udah lumayan lama kerja di Jepang, dia bilang di perusahaan dia enggak common untuk mengucapkan otsukaresama desu tiap saat kaya gitu. Akhirnya saya tanya sama supervisor saya. Beliau menjelaskan bahwa ucapan “otsukaresama desu” itu berfungsi seperti greeting biasa seperti selamat siang atau selamat sore untuk diucapkan tiap bertemu dengan karyawan lain yang jaraknya jauh/lama ga ketemu pada hari itu. Sedangkan kalo dengan karyawan lain yang duduk di sekitar kita enggak perlu mengucapkan itu kecuali saat mau pulang, misalnya.

Nah, dia juga menjelaskan kalau mau pulang lebih enak mengucapkan “O saki ni shitsureishimasu” ketimbang otsukaresama desu. Maksudnya kita bilang mau pulang duluan. Biasanya sih nanti dibalesnya “otsukaresama desu”. Itu sih menurut pengalaman saya disini. Tentu saja tiap kantor punya working culture yang berbeda-beda.

2. Sikat gigi di toilet tiap selesai jam makan siang.

Ini salah satu kebiasaan orang Jepang yang rada ngagetin buat saya. Tiap selesai jam makan siang, wastafel di toilet biasanya ditongkrongi beberapa karyawati yang sibuk sikat gigi. Kebiasaan ini kayanya dimulai dari sejak kecil, soalnya waktu saya kunjungan ke sebuah SD di deket kampus, tiap abis jam makan siang pasti ada sesi sikat gigi bersama yang dibimbing oleh gurunya.

Orang Jepang sehat-sehat amat ya!

3. When did you touch up your make up?

Ini adalah keheranan pribadi saya sama cewek-cewek Jepang yang make upnya tidak pernah terlihat berubah dari sejak pagi sampai mau pulang. Pasalnya saya nyaris enggak pernah liat cewek-cewek itu retouch make up mereka di toilet. Sikat gigi sih iya, tapi retouch make up? Enggak pernah!

Kalau di kantor-kantor di Jakarta, saya sering liat mbak-mbak kantoran retouch make up di toilet atau di musholla. Kalo di Jepang, kapan ya mereka retouch? Apa kualitas make upnya bagus banget sampe enggak luntur dan berubah gitu, ya?

4. Bento dan Teishoku

Makan siang itu biasanya saya beli bento (lunch box) yang banyak dijual di daerah perkantoran. Harganya bervariasi, tapi relatif lebih murah daripada makan di restoran (sekitar 500 – 600 yen). Nah kalo saya lagi diajak makan bareng diluar (bikin kere! T__T), kebanyakan di tiap restoran pasti menyediakan teishoku alias meal set. Jadi biasanya dengan 1,000 yen, saya dapat makanan pembuka, makanan utama, makanan penutup dan minum. Menu paket ini sebetulnya sih jatuhnya lebih murah daripada ala carte. Gatau kenapa pesan makanan model ala carte enggak populer di Jepang.

5. A park next to my building!

Yep! Ini yang paling bikin saya terkagum-kagum sama landscape nya Tokyo. Segitunya banyak gedung bertingkat, tapi enggak lupa sama hijau-hijauan. Saya magang di dua kantor yang lokasinya berjauhan di Tokyo. Dan di kedua kantor tersebut, tiap saya melongok ke luar jendela, saya bisa melihat hijau-hijauan alias pohon besar diantara gedung-gedung Tokyo. Ada taman yang cukup luas dan menyenangkan di sela-sela kesibukan Tokyo dan hal inilah yang bikin saya iri setengah mati. Bahkan beberapa teman saya mengajak saya untuk jogging bareng sehabis jam kantor selesai. Dan ini hal yang sangat lumrah di Tokyo. Sore hari adalah jam jogging atau jalan-jalan sore bersama anak atau hewan peliharaan. Look, your life is balance this way, right?

6. After 5pm. Nomikai?

Saya sendiri belum pernah ikut atau diajak ke acara nomikai alias minum-minum selepas kerja. Pacar saya sih bilang dia beberapa kali ikut. Ini adalah tempat kita bersosialisasi sama orang-orang kantor. Tapi lucunya, saat nomikai itu kita harus ikut patungan dengan sistem bayar patungan. Jadi sekalipun kita cuma minum jus jeruk, kita harus bayar sama banyaknya dengan yang minum sake berbotol-botol. Tentu saja ini enak di dia enggak enak di kita XD

Kebetulan waktu saya magang, saya diajak ke acara networking party yang namanya “after 7” alias setelah jam 7 malam. Acara ini bukan acara internal kantor, sih. Malahan kantor diundang sebagai VIP guest. Acara itu sendiri sih bertujuan untuk membangun network demi bisnis ke depannya. Untuk hadir biayanya adalah 4,000 yen per kepala. Karena saya anak magang, akhirnya saya digratiskan XD. Karena saya penasaran sama Roppongi (acaranya di Roppongi), akhirnya saya setuju ikut. Udah deg-degan karena saya pikir acaranya bakalan formal dan banyak orang penting yang hadir (biasanya ada presentasi perusahaan juga). Eh enggak taunya acaranya di Bar kecil dengan lampu kelap kelip dan musik super kenceng! Persis kayak lagi clubbing tapi bedanya kita tukeran kartu nama! Yang lebih gila lagi, pas jam 10 malam, ada pole dancing! ๐Ÿ˜†

Saya sendiri rada syok (juga temen kantor saya!), dan memutuskan untuk pulang setelah tiga puluh menit berdiri dan makan tiga potong pizza vegan. Ya lumayanlah pizza gratis ๐Ÿ˜›

Besokannya saya dikasih tau bahwa acara tersebut enggak biasa di budaya Jepang dan karena sponsor utamanya adalah Chamber of Commerce US, jadi EO nya mau mengikuti networking party dengan western style, sekalian untuk menarik perhatian para profesional muda untuk hadir. With pole dancing? I bet they will! ๐Ÿ˜†

7. Otaku? Yikes!

Setiap orang yang ngajak saya makan siang pasti punya pertanyaan yang sama: kenapa saya memilih kuliah di Jepang.

Buat saya pertanyaan itu rada aneh, soalnya ini Jepang gitu loh, negara dengan teknologi maju dan empat musim. Siapa sih yang enggak mau ke Jepang? Lain kalo saya kuliah di negara Ghana, misalnya. Itu kan baru jadi pertanyaan, kenapa Ghana? (tiada maksud mendiskreditkan Ghana, tapi kan butuh alasan khusus kenapa milih Ghana, ya nggak sih?). Anyway, karena saya bingung jawab, akhirnya saya bilang kalau saya udah tertarik sama Jepang dari kecil sejak saya ngikutin anime, manga dan dorama Jepang. Yang ada ujungnya saya ngaku kalo saya itu ex-otaku. Trus respon mereka pasti kalo enggak mengernyit (kaya rada aneh gitu), ketawa, atau ada yang malah geleng-geleng heran.

Ternyata jadi otaku sama sekali bukan hal yang membanggakan disini. Beberapa ada yang ikutan semangat cerita soal kesukaannya terhadap anime, tapi beberapa malah menyayangkan kenapa anime dan manga segitu terkenalnya sampe merepresentasikan Jepang. Salah satu temen saya malah dengan lantang bilang kalo “matcha, samurai, temple, ikebana” harusnya adalah hal-hal yang bikin orang kenal Jepang, dan bukannya AKB48 atau anime! Woalah ๐Ÿ˜†

Jadi apa saya bakal kapok bilang saya mantan otaku? Otentutidak, soalnya itu jawaban paling gampang yang bisa saya temukan sih..hehe

8. The power of lebay

Orang Jepang itu lebay dalam mengekspresikan sesuatu! Misalnya, kalau kita mau minta tolong sesuatu sama seseorang, kita harus bilang “onegaishimasu”ย berkali-kali dengan anggukan yang kelihatan tulus. Atau waktu kita mendapatkan bantuan dari seseorang, kita harus bilang terima kasih berkali-kali pula. Pokoknya sekali itu enggak cukup deh kayanya. Apalagi kalau bikin kesalahan, kudu minta maaf berkali-kali dan terlihat sangaaaaatttt menyesal! Lebay banget deh!

Mungkin ini karena orang Jepang sangat menghargai makna orang lain. Maksudnya mereka sebisa mungkin enggak mau menyusahkan atau merepotkan orang lain, jadi kalau sampe itu terjadi, mereka menghargai betul orang lain yang terlibat. Walaupun memang tugas mereka untuk terlibat, tapi tetep aja begitu.

Ini sebabnya saya keikutan jadi lebay (walau dasarnya saya emang udah lebay), setiap saya minta tolong sesuatu saya bakal bilang “onegaishimasu”ย berkali-kali dan untuk hal kecil sekalipun seperti dikasih tau sesuatu, saya akan bilang makasih berkali-kali pula. Pokoknya sampe si orangnya ngerasa bahwa saya berterima kasih banget atas bantuan dia.

Tapi lama-lama saya jadi kepikiran, kalau kayak gitu, bisa ga ya kita ngebedain ucapan yang tulus dan yang cuma sekedar ngikutin budaya? Enggak tau juga, sih. Yang jelas rasanya memang lebih menyenangkan menerima ucapan lebay karena rasanya lebih dihargai ketimbang ucapan “makasih” sekenanya dan sambil lalu.

Sekian beberapa hal yang saya temukan selama saya magang disini. Kalo ada salah-salah, silahkan dikoreksi! ๐Ÿ˜€


Cinta itu bau tengik.

Kataku, ย saat kau sodorkan buluh bambu dengan kain koyak di ujungnya

Cinta itu bau anyir.

Katamu, saat aku lempar kue berjamur sisa ulang tahun pamong raja lima hari lalu

Cinta itu

tergantung pada apa yang tanganmu beri

dan tergantung pada apa yang lima panca inderaku terjemahkan.

Ya sesimpel itu.


I am very weak with death news. Ever since I realized that human is constrained by a strong force called death, I cant stop worrying and overly sensitive to every death news around me.
Perhaps it’s also because I have never had one from my closest family myself.
I cant stand the thought of losing people I dearly love. Whenever I have such thought, I’ll start trying to make sure my beloved ones are okay. Like this morning.
I woke up and as usual the first thing I checked is my phone and facebook.
There it was, a senior of mine just posted a death news about her sister and recently passed away her husband to be.
I was petrified for a moment. Deeply sad and the first person I could think of was my BF.
Immediately I called him, all I could think of that I have to talk to him while I can still dial his number and he could still pick it up.
“don’t go anywhere..”
He said yes in his morning voice, but enough to make me feel better.

But still, such gloomy mood will follow me the whole day. That’s what a death news could do to me. It haunted me and followed me everywhere I go for few days. And I start worrying about my family, my parents and my friends.
But never myself.

You see, there was a time when I realized that it would be fine by me to die but not being left by people I love. I cant bear the feeling of losing people, by realizing that those people are not here anymore. That no matter how hard I try to reach for them, I will never be able to hear from them ever again.
Such empty feeling is the worst.

That is why I wish I could tell all people I love:
“dont ever go..dont go anywhere..”
And eventhough i know it is selfish, I also know it will never come true..